I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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