One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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