grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
