I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
