So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
