when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.