after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying