i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
