What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
