If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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