you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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