ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
