does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
