Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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