apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
