It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
