Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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