How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
