My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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