ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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