I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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