I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
