You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
