dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize