there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
