what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
