You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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