party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
