she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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