I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
