I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
