i love accidental penises.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Someone came in the potted fern
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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