Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
