things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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