hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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