Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
