come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
