Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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