How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
