he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
