his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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