what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
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He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
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I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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