The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
