conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I got inside last night via doggy door
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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