it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way