awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
