the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
