I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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