theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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