I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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