didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
