Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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