Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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