True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dignity is for republicans.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
