my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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